Bullies and bullying

In the fine state of Massachusetts, we have a problem with bullies. Or so it would seem. In the past year, two children in western Massachusetts alone committed suicide as a result of being bullied. I heard a talk radio show speaking about it and there was much outrage about What Needs To Be Done and Who's Responsible. The usual suspects were trotted out: the parents, the school administration and the legislature and they are all at fault, but the proper response is not the one being discussed.

This 'disturbing trend' cannot be resolved by more Zero Tolerance regulations that do not work. This cannot be resolved by yet more legislation requiring more programs about bullying. These programs do not work; the bullies ignore them and those being bullied know the adults will never do anything about it. The parents can raise all the objections and call everyone they want to call but nothing will change.

Why? Because the problem is not the bullies; its the culture we've created for our children. Bullies always have and always will exist. We stand as good a chance of eliminating addictions as we do bullies. Its a personality trait and its part of human nature. What we've done by eliminating failing grades and forcing little league teams to not keep score and making everyone play is disable our children's ability to cope with adversity.

In the charge to protect our children from the disappointments we suffered as children, we are failing in our duties as parents. I was bullied as a child. Eventually, I struck back at some of the bullies but learned to tolerate others. I was encouraged by my father to stand up for myself, he didn't stand up for me because he knew that would only make things worse.

Think about that; you were a child so you know its true. These "Zero Tolerance" rules and ridiculous programs all hinge on the bullied child telling on the bully, which only arms the bully. You encourage a child to stand up for himself and your creating an adult. You coddle them and your maintaining a child.

It is the duty of the parents and schools to work together to produce productive members of society; adults capable of living and maintaining a career and a family. We are failing at that sacred charge. Every parent who calls the school to complain about a bully without first arming their child with the courage, strength and skills to stand up to that bully is a failed parent. Every school administration that holds assemblies telling the entire student body 'how to deal with a bully' is failing as administrators. Every administration that takes the stance of 'if you knew what that child was going through at home, you'd understand' is failing as an administration.

Bullies need to be dealt with directly and individually and most effectively by the person being bullied. It doesn't matter what the child is going through at home, that does not give them the right to take it out on others. Allowing that as an excuse does nothing to teach the child individual responsibility. Telling that to a parent only increases their sense of outrage. Telling a child they need to report bullying to an adult excuses them from dealing with their problem as an individual, absolving them of responsibility.

Bullies form important life lessons for a child; for the bully and the bullied.

For the bullied, it is at these young ages that a child learns to stand up for himself, to learn that by his own actions he can determine the outcome of a situation. It empowers him. He learns that he can, through force of will, have an affect on the world around him. It prevents him from meekly accepting the difficulties of life but facing them head-on. A child with such experience learns that he sets his own rules on acceptable behavior from those around him.

For the bullies, they learn there are consequences to their actions. They learn that just because they are bigger or stronger that they cannot do whatever they want. They learn that sometimes there is a price to be paid for what they think is simply just fun. They learn to empathize with others, especially if someone they picked on suddenly bloodies their nose.

I know, "you're advocating violence!" Yes, I am. In our interactions with others, there must be a common understanding of communication. Sometimes, that language is violence. Yes, we should always strive to avoid such conflict but neither should we shrink from it. Confrontations do not always mean violence, but everyone must be prepared for that if the situation requires it.

"But J, adults can always avoid violence."

No, not really. What Saddam Hussein did prior to being removed from office was bully the UN. The only response after years of his continued bullying was violence. He chose that response. Thankfully, President Bush had the testicular fortitude to do what was necessary when faced with a bully: call their bluff. Bloody their nose.

Without arming our children with the knowledge that there are consequences to our actions and that there are unpleasant tasks in life that need to be done, we are creating eternal children who will never be capable adults. These children will be the ones who look to others to lead them from the difficulties in their lives. These children will be dependent upon others to provide them with jobs and a sense of security. These children will not be leaders our nation will need in the future. They will not be representatives of the entrepreneurial spirit that enables the USA to be a world leader in innovation. They will not be willing to take the risks that reap great rewards in life. These children will be the future that results in the destruction of our great nation.

It is how we face adversity that defines the society we live in. Every one of us, every day faces these decisions and therefore defines our society. How we are perceived as individuals is determined by how we react to difficulties in our lives. The US as a nation would not be able to help our neighbors in Haiti if our military was not prepared, trained and equipped with the tools necessary to do so. We as individuals would not be able to assist our neighbors unless we too, are prepared, equipped and trained to do so.

The bullies in my life taught me that every situation requires a different solution. In some cases, I responded with violence, in others it wasn't necessary. What I learned is that bullies had no power over me unless I gave it to them. That lesson defined how I reacted to other struggles and adversities in my life.

We should be empowering our children. Bullies are not the problem, they're an opportunity for our children to learn vital life lessons. We should never let such opportunities pass us by.